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Time and time again I was asked, by different counsellors; "Why do you care what other people think?"
Now, a reason for me to be getting all this counselling over the years is that I've never been good at the whole human interaction and conformity thing. It's not for want of trying. When I go out of my way to fit in, I don't. When I don't go out of my way to fit in, I still don't. It seems to come so naturally to other people, but I don't appear have that gene. My behaviour does not seem to me to differ from that of 'normal' people, but that I can't discern in what way I differ from them does not seem to matter at all. I still don't fit in.
I'm not so very different, and I have learned ways to camoflage my oddness in the short term. Adaptable vocabulary. Body language matching. Silence. Humour. Avoiding humans in general. It makes life a little easier, but essentially, I behave the way that feels right to me. To adopt un-me changes too for the sake of being popular with people whose lifestyles I find peculiar is very un-me. And I have a right to be myself.
In counselling, it's almost an inevitable question:
"So, why do you care so much about what other people think?"
"You don't have to care, you know."
"What does it matter what other people think of you?"
To which I respond:
"I care because people with whom I interact have influence in my sphere. Their opinion of me effects my reputation and standing in the eyes of the community. Negative perceptions of me on their part impact my life opportunities, social, employment, big and small. That's why I care. That's why it's distressing to be seen as wrong and strange by others."
I'm coming up against that again, recently. I hate that I have to jump through hoops to give the appearance of being competent by standards that are contrary to my way of life. I hate having to contort myself to achieve respect for being what I am not, in the eyes of people who could never concieve that I might be judging their ways and finding them wanting. These kind of people who autoconform are the ones who would ask me "Why does it bother you what other people think?"
Now, a reason for me to be getting all this counselling over the years is that I've never been good at the whole human interaction and conformity thing. It's not for want of trying. When I go out of my way to fit in, I don't. When I don't go out of my way to fit in, I still don't. It seems to come so naturally to other people, but I don't appear have that gene. My behaviour does not seem to me to differ from that of 'normal' people, but that I can't discern in what way I differ from them does not seem to matter at all. I still don't fit in.
I'm not so very different, and I have learned ways to camoflage my oddness in the short term. Adaptable vocabulary. Body language matching. Silence. Humour. Avoiding humans in general. It makes life a little easier, but essentially, I behave the way that feels right to me. To adopt un-me changes too for the sake of being popular with people whose lifestyles I find peculiar is very un-me. And I have a right to be myself.
In counselling, it's almost an inevitable question:
"So, why do you care so much about what other people think?"
"You don't have to care, you know."
"What does it matter what other people think of you?"
To which I respond:
"I care because people with whom I interact have influence in my sphere. Their opinion of me effects my reputation and standing in the eyes of the community. Negative perceptions of me on their part impact my life opportunities, social, employment, big and small. That's why I care. That's why it's distressing to be seen as wrong and strange by others."
I'm coming up against that again, recently. I hate that I have to jump through hoops to give the appearance of being competent by standards that are contrary to my way of life. I hate having to contort myself to achieve respect for being what I am not, in the eyes of people who could never concieve that I might be judging their ways and finding them wanting. These kind of people who autoconform are the ones who would ask me "Why does it bother you what other people think?"
posted by Jac | 3:18 pm
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